by David L. Updike
Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship TrumpUniverse. Its five-year mission: to explore beautiful new markets outside our dinky, totally unfair solar system. To seek out fantastic real estate development opportunities throughout the universe and beyond. To bigly go where Obama was too weak and stupid to go!
CAPTAIN KUSHNER (voiceover): Captain’s Log, Stardate 2/2/2020: Well, we’ve finally done it! Thanks to the Very Stable Genius (VSG) warp drive invented by Our Great Leader (and my kickass dad-in-law)—which burns clean West Virginia coal and goes faster than any interstellar drive ever, even the science fiction ones—we have arrived in a matter of weeks at the nearest star system thought capable of supporting life. This is truly a great moment for Trump Universal Enterprises and, by extension, the American people!
{On the Bridge}
CAPTAIN KUSHNER: Report, Alexa.
ALEXA: We have arrived at Proxima Centauri, a star system 4.37 light years from our sun and formed about five billion . .
SCIENCE OFFICER PENCE: Six thousand . . .
ALEXA: . . . years ago.
KUSHNER: OK, five billion, six thousand, who cares? We’re looking at it on screen. What are those little Dunkin’ Munchkin things?
ALEXA: Those are asteroids, sir.
KUSHNER: And what about the sufganiyot?
ALEXA: Those are the planets, sir. I detect four of them, sir. Alpha Centauri A, B, C, and D.
KUSHNER: Assessment?
ALEXA: Planet B shows atmosphere, liquid water, and some patches of green.
KUSHNER: So, potential golf resort material?
ALEXA: I would need further data.
KUSHNER: Fair enough. Anything else?
ALEXA: The other three planets seem to be barren, meteor-battered hunks of rock ravaged by methane storms.
KUSHNER: OK, so maybe some low-income housing?
ALEXA: With oxygen support, possibly.
KUSHNER: Oxygen is expensive out here. Can’t we just give them vouchers or something?
ALEXA: Oxygen vouchers?
KUSHNER: Lieutenant Carson, thoughts?
LIEUTENANT CARSON: Zzzzzzz.
PENCE: Ben, wake up!
CARSON: Yes, sir!
KUSHNER: Carson, oxygen vouchers. Doable?
CARSON: Vouchers are a Betsy thing, sir.
KUSHNER: DeVos?
LIEUTENANT DEVOS: They’ll get better oxygen if they can choose their atmosphere provider.
KUSHNER: OK, but TrumpAir will be the best, right?
DEVOS: Of course.
COMMUNICATIONS OFFICER SANDERS: Sir, you have an incoming call from Starfleet.
KUSHNER: On screen.
QUEEN OF OUTER SPACE: Hello, Jared.
KUSHNER: Hi, honey. How are the kids …
QUEEN: Never mind that. Report.
KUSHNER: We’ve arrived! We’re at Alpha Centauri!
QUEEN: I can see that, Jared. What have you found?
KUSHNER: There are four planets. We’ve named them. Well, Alexa did. She calls them A, B...
QUEEN: Are any inhabited?
KUSHNER: We don’t know.
PENCE: My Queen, if I may interject, there’s nothing in the book of Genesis about extra…
QUEEN, KUSHNER, and ALEXA: Shut up, Pence.
QUEEN: Alexa, what’s your read?
ALEXA: I estimate a 42% chance of life on planet B, your Highness, though it could be very primitive in form.
QUEEN: OK, so we’re talking manufacture here, not retail?
KUSHNER: What do you mean?
QUEEN: Workers, you idiot, not consumers.
KUSHNER: Oh, right. Hey, who knows, maybe both? It’s a whole new world out here, honey. But don’t worry, I got this.
QUEEN: Yeah, that’s why I’m worried, Jared. You remember that whole peace in the Mideast thing? You want me to send you some pictures of what it was like there today?
KUSHNER: But Bibi told me …
QUEEN: Just report as soon as you find anything. Queen out.
KUSHNER: OK, team, you heard your Queen! Prepare a landing party for Proxima Centauri B.